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deadmoney314 · Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 4:58 pm Post subject: How to win arguments

Hi guys, I've noticed the debate on this forum to be a bit unorganized and lackluster. Opponents are simply shot down too easily, which is a problem just like folding the nuts. I thought I would write a guide to encourage better arguments here in terms of Vis-a-vis, qua, per se:

what i've learned in law school:
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments.
Simply follow these rules:

* Drink Liquor.

Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

* Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid."
Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."

* Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.,"
"e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say:
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say:
"Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponents says Lincoln died in 1865.
You say Your begging the question.

OR

You say Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponents says Liberia is in Africa.
You say You're being defensive.

* Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right
and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

Jaconda78 · Message Board Junkie Joined: 06 Jul 2005 Posts: 4177

Hahaha, great post, man.

deadmoney314 · Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 6:31 pm Post subject: continued

Heres the rest that was cut off (continued):

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly.

Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

Wolfsong · Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 7:16 pm Post subject:

That was hysterical! LMAO Laughing

Zophar · Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 8:46 pm Post subject:

Sounds like you're quite the master debator. If there were post of the year awards, this would have to start at the top of the list. Instead of ignorance is bliss, it should be beligerance is bliss. Still laughing

Pokit2s · Message Board Junkie Joined: 22 Jun 2005 Posts: 1261

I am so confused right now!

Gypsydc · Posted: Wed Jan 25, 2006 7:24 pm Post subject:

LMFAO! That was great...and you are very well written.

Otto410 · Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2006 10:32 am Post subject:

Another argument tip:

Whenever you find yourself stuck in losing an argument, never give up hope! You can always turn the tables on your opponent in a flash. Always make these allegations in a loud voice with wild, finger-thrusting gestures at your opponent. Remember! No one else around you was probably paying attention to the conversation. Therefore, go on the "take offense" offensive!

Whenever you are beaten, focus on the "facts."

Accuse your opponent of:

(1) twisting the facts;
(2) misrepresenting the facts;
(3) leaving out important facts;
(4) using outdated facts;
(5) making assumptions; (i.e., "Well, Opponent, you certainly are making a great deal of ASSUMPTIONS! And we ALL KNOW what happens when you ASSUME!" (Say this in a sneering tone with disdain dripping from each over-pronounced word (also when you type, use parentheticals inside parenthetical -- it makes your writing look pompous too!)))
(6) misconstruing the facts;
(7) making up facts

For example:

You: �Elephant are the smartest animal.�
Opponent: �No, the studies from Dr. Bob Andneal show that dolphins are smarter.�
Y: �Well, Opponent � you OBVIOUSLY aren�t paying attention to the recent literature! (always use �literature� instead of �books,� �magazines,� or �back of cereal boxes� � it makes you sound educated.) �Dr. Andneal�s studies are out of date.�

(a classic example of accusation #4)

O: �The studies are from last week.�

Now you are caught and need a quick out.

Y: (begin pointing and wagging finger at O�s chest) �Well! I take offense to that Mr./Ms. Opponent! You are CLEARLY MISCONSTRUING the FACTS. I will not continue to talk to someone who is as FACTUALLY DISHONEST as YOU.�

Punctuate this conversation with a furrowed brow, angry expression and loud voice. You now have the out you need. Walk away muttering about the �intellectual dishonestly� of your opponent. With luck, the crowd will now be staring at your opponent who is now at a loss to explain the allegations against him/her. Chances are you former opponent, instead of basking in the glow of catching you in a poor argument, will now be slack-jawed. That expression now makes them look more like they are the ones who got caught.

Otto410 · Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2006 10:35 am Post subject:

Finally, remember this legal axiom.

If the facts are against you, bang on the law.
If the law is against you, bang on the facts.
If the law and the facts are against you, bang on the table.

Flying_Kiwi · Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 9:22 pm Post subject:

What a bunch of n00bs.

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